Pirates of the What?
by Your Undoing
Summary: A collection of parodies in which our favorite pirates and their lovely lady friend visit scenes from various movies and books. It's whacky, ye be warned!
1. Pirates of the Moulin Rouge

_Pirates of the...  
_by _Your Undoing_  
Author's Note: Just a small collection of parody crossovers involving POTC and various other well-known movies. I started with Moulin Rouge, because I love it eeeever so dearly. -Huggles it to bits- Er, anyway. Have fun reading, and don't take anything seriously. (PS-- possible spoiler alert for all movies mentioned)  
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_Chapter 1: Moulin Rouge_

Christian sobbed, his dark hair clinging to the tears on his face. He clutched his beloved Satine's limp form, wailing.

He sounded rather ridiculous, actually.

The other members of the play company stood awkwardly around him, keeping a respectful distance. Their horrified looks may have been a reaction to Satine's death. Or perhaps a reaction to the strange sounds issuing from Christian's throat.

The audience, hidden behind the red velvet curtain that proved to be an excellent dramatic backdrop for Satine's untimely death, applauded and hooted like the mindless, ignorant group of extras (er, bohemians) that they were. All, except two of them.

"I don't understand," said William Turner, gazing around at the madly cheering crowd . "Did I miss something?"

The woman sitting next to him, dressed in a dangerously low-cut dress that appeared ready to burst, raised an eyebrow.

"No, I don't think so…" she said, with a painfully thick British accent. "That redhead and the man, I don't think their bit was acting… and these people are obsessed with love, aren't they? Love is to bohemians as rum is to pirates."

A third figure, standing to Elizabeth's left, broke off from cheering for a moment. He lowered his hands (he had previously been waving them about in a strange attempt at clapping while making as much of a fuss as possible) and turned his eyes, heavy with black eyeliner, towards her.

"Rum?" he inquired, his breath thick with the stench of alcohol. "Where? Did someone say rum?"

Elizabeth merely rolled her eyes and gave him a heavy shove. He toppled drunkenly against the man next to him, causing a rather amusing domino effect which resulted in all the audience members sprawled on top of each other on the ground.

"Well," said Will, eyebrows raised. "Jack seemed to like it."


	2. Pirates of the Wizarding World

Pirates of the...  
by Your Undoing  
Author's Note: It's Harry Potter this time. Come on, you know you saw it coming. I had too much fun with Hermione's eyebrows... but the way Emma Watson does it in the movies, seriously... who didn'tfind that highly amusing?  
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_Chapter 2: Harry Potter_

Blurred forms whizzed through the air at remarkable speeds as rain pounded on the heads of the spectators. They watched from atop several extremely tall platforms, in an _attempt_ to view the match at what was more or less eye level. It had apparently never occurred to the builder that Quidditch was in fact played at extremely varied levels. A small black blot in the sky may have been a player on his or her broom (or just a particularly unhappy rain cloud) as easily as that splotch on the ground may have been his fallen teammate (or a puddle as a result of said rain cloud).

Amid the sound of wild cheering and pounding rain, one particular voice rose above the ruckus.

"GOOOOOO HARRYYYYY!"

The words were high pitched to a point of painful fascination, and the girl from whom the sounds had issued was hopping up and down in what appeared to be some sort of plastic bag (erm, rain poncho). Her remarkably frizzy hair would have looked rather like cotton candy had it not been dark brown (well, who knows… it could've been coca cola flavored).

"Oh _shut up," _snapped a young woman standing to the girl's right. She was wearing an old-fashioned looking hat and some sort of odd frilly dress.

"Excuse me? Where did you come from?" the girl said in a notably lower speaking voice. She raised an eyebrow.

"Trifles," said a man standing to the young woman's left. At first, it appeared that he had black-and-white striped skin. Upon closer inspection, he actually had _eyeliner _dripping down his face.

"Trifles? _Trifles? _You don't even go to this school!" The girl's voice was rising octaves with alarming quickness. She raised and lowered her eyebrows several times before settling with her left eyebrow raised and her right one at a slightly downward angle.

"And um, what school would this be?" inquired the young woman.

"_Hogwarts," _the girl replied with disdain. Her eyebrows wiggled as she pronounced each syllable.

At this, Jack Sparrow promptly sagged against the railing and dropped the bottle he'd been clutching in his hand over the edge, sending it on it's first and only skydiving trip. Perhaps this resulted as a combination of his hysterical laughter, and the ever-present factor of his complete and utter drunken-ness.

"HOG WARTS! That's bloody brilliant, that is." He smiled, displaying some remarkable work by the makeup department. I mean, fake teeth.

"Where did you get that bottle, Jack?"

"Firewhiskey, love," he slurred. With that, he raised his hand to his mouth. Upon seeing that it was empty, he turned and leaned over the railing.

"Oh… bugger"


	3. Pirates of the Dragon Riders

Pirates of the...  
by Your Undoing  
Author's Note: Not much to say... it's Eragon's turn, hooray! Please read and review:D  
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_Chapter 3: Eragon_

Jack, Elizabeth, and William were plodding down a picturesque little road, chatting happily away, when they were rudely interrupted by a shriek.

Will and Elizabeth exchanged nervous glances. Jack took this as a great opportunity to turn tail and trot away, making high pitched "eeh!"ing noises.

The remaining two thirds of the trio cautiously approached the house from which the scream had erupted. Upon closer inspection, they noticed that it had been completely and utterly destroyed.

"Why didn't we notice that before?" Will asked with a rather disturbed expression, while still managing to look very pretty.

"Because this fanfiction would make no sense if we had," replied Elizabeth airily.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing."

Will opened his mouth to protest, but Elizabeth had already ambled over to the demolished doorway and was poking her head in with interest. He shrugged, making a mental note to call up that old therapist of his.

Upon looking in the doorway (or where it would have been had it not been completely pwnd), the first thing Will noticed was an extremely pretty boy.

_What a pretty boy_, he thought.__

…

_I'm prettier._

The pretty boy was on the ground. Will decided not to ask. There was a rather burnt-looking animal on the ground as well. It had been a BIG animal. Very hairy too. Not pretty at all!

"Um, is that your hog on the ground there?" he asked politely.

"That's my uncle, you git!" the boy spat angrily.

"No way."

"It is!"

"Is not."

"Is!"

"You're a good twenty times prettier than he is."

"I… uh?"

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "William darling? It's time to go."

With that, she pulled him out of the wrecked little house and back onto the path.

Will decided not to ask about the large dragon that was sitting by the side of the road.He was feeling quite crazy enough, thank you very much.


	4. Pirates of the Matrix

Pirates of the...  
by Your Undoing  
Author's Note: Keanu Reeves needs to go back to pre-school and learn how to talk properly. 'Nuff said.  
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_Chapter 4: The Matrix_

Neo bent. He bent _far!_ He bent _very far! _He beeeeentttt faaaaaarrrrr! The bullets zoomed over him! They made cool rippling patterns in the air! It was epic!

Elizabeth sat. She watched. It was very un-epic. She didn't make any cool rippling air-patterns at all.

"Doesn't your back ever hurt after bending back that far?"

Neo fell over.

"Shit, where did you come from," Neo said with as much emotion as he could convey- in a steady monotone.

Elizabeth shrugged. "What did you fall over for?"

"You startled me," Neo said. In a monotone.

"Oh, terribly sorry."

"No problem," Neo said. Monotonously.

Elizabeth stood up and walked across the roof of the building they were perched on top of. She gazed curiously over the edge.

"What are those moving things down there?" she asked.

"Cars," Neo said.

(Bet you thought I was gonna crack a joke about monotony!)

"Oh."

…

"I find it a bit unbelievable that you get millions of rounds fired at you, but somehow remain completely unharmed."

Neo stared at Elizabeth through his dark sunglasses. At least, she _thought _he was staring at her- the tinted glass was impossible to see through. He could've been crossing his eyes. After a moment of consideration, she decided he probably was.

"I am the one," he said…. (say it with me! "monotonously!")

"Then who am I?" asked Frodo.

"Yeah, what about me?" said Anakin Skywalker.

"I'm prettier than he is!" shouted Eragon.

Neo promptly exploded in a poof of self-doubt.

Elizabeth shrugged and walked away.


	5. Pirates of the Airlines

Pirates of the...  
by Your Undoing  
Author's Note: I loved this movie. Seriously. This chapter's got some language, just thought I'd warn you bwahaha As always, read & review!!!  
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_Chapter 5: Snakes on a Plane _

Ding!

"Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has illuminated the seatbelt sign."

Elizabeth smirked. "Hear that, Jack? Put your seatbelt on."

"Now just one- bloody- minute," snapped Jack angrily, smacking the clasp repeatedly against an arm rest.

"To release, just lift the buckle!," William chimed in a sing-song voice.

"Shut up, eunuch."

William made a sad-looking pouty face and turned to gaze forlornly out the window. Jack furrowed his eyebrows and began hitting the two pieces of the seatbelt against each other.

"Now what the motherfucking heck is going on with your motherfucking seatbelt?" asked a badass looking black man sitting across the aisle.

"It's broken," Jack replied lamely.

"That's it!" the main cried. He stood up abruptly and sent his tray table smacking up against the seat in front of him (which seemed to make a faint "oof"ing noise upon impact).

"I have had it!" the man bellowed.

"With what?" asked Jack with a raised eyebrow.

"These motherfucking seatbelts on this motherfucking plane!" the man shrieked. He kicked the seat in front of him with gusto, choosing to ignore the loud "HEY!" that issued forth from it.

"It's really not that big of a deal, mate…" Jack muttered.

The man seemed not to notice him. He promptly ripped the cushions off his seat and began tearing them to shreds with his teeth.

"You know, I've just realized something," Jack said. "I left my… uh… important… papers… of importantness. At the terminal. I think I need to… get them."

"Uh, yes!" cried Elizabeth. "Papers!" She stood up and ushered Jack quickly out of the row and into the aisle.

William sat, examining his reflection in the window.

_I'm so pretty, _he thought happily.

Elizabeth and Jack hurried to the emergency exit. Jack wrenched open the door, staring down at the ground. Thousands of feet below.

"We don't have parachutes," Jack said reluctantly.

The badass black man had finished with the cushions and had proceeded to writhe around in the aisle, making high pitched "whoop"ing noises.

"Don't care!" Elizabeth exclaimed, bodyslamming Jack and sending the both of them flying over the edge.

"Where are you going?!" the badass black man shouted. "Don't you wanna see how badass I am?!"

William continued gazing out the window / staring at his reflection. His eyes widened with surprise as he saw Liz and Jack go hurtling past.

"I _really _need a therapist," he whined.


	6. Pirates of the Spandex Clad Men

Pirates of the...  
by Your Undoing  
Author's Note: I just got back from my second viewing of At World's End… just as good the second time around! I definitely recommend it. Although, the ending was really sad… so that's why I'm writing this ridiculous and humorous drivel! (Reviews help cheer me up too, hee!)  
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_Chapter 6: Spider-Man  
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_William and Elizabeth strolled happily down the street, smiling at nothing in particular and feeling very happy. They happily held hands with happiness. Happily.

Suddenly, a dark man wearing a mask appeared out of nowhere and snatched Elizabeth's purse! She screamed unhappily and fell over with unhappiness.

"Oi!" Will yelled with anger. "Get back here!" he unsheathed his sword with full intentions to settle the decade-long debate; **PIRATE VS. NINJA, WHO WOULD WIN?  
**  
_But for the full effect we'd need a zombie and a robot_, he mused.

"And Chuck Norris," Elizabeth said wisely.

"Did you just read my thoughts?" Will asked with surprise.

"…...Oh god, my purse!" she cried with anguish.

Deciding not to ask, thoroughly regretting his prolonged reluctance to call up that lovely, lovely therapist of his, and feeling distinctly un-good, Will jerked his attention back to the ninja-thief and raised his sword threateningly.

At that moment, a man in a funny red suit swung down from the heavens on a rope of what looked like gray Laffy Taffy. He swung a spandex-clad fist at the ninja-thief and knocked him out cold, grabbing poor Lizzie's beloved purse and tossing it back to her, blowing her a kiss.

Elizabeth made a rather awkward swooning noise and fluttered her eyelashes at the masked hero. Will snorted with indignity.

"Who are you?" Will demanded angrily.

"Who am I?" the stranger said with dark significance. "You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you-"

"Yes yes, that's all very good," Will snapped. "You're hitting on my girl!" He motioned to Elizabeth, who was standing a few feet away with misty eyes and a dreamy smile on her face.

"…with great power comes great responsibility. This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-man," the guy said proudly.

Will rolled his eyes and grabbed Elizabeth roughly around the wrist, tugging on her while glaring sullenly at the masked 'Spider-man'.

"Wait!" Elizabeth wailed with angsty passion. "I need to know! Who are you?"

The arachnid-man ripped his mask off with a flourishing wave, tossing it to the small crowd of dribbling fangirls who squealed loudly and proceeded to scratch each-other to death in an attempt to claim the mask as their own.

"Oh my god Will, he's prettier than you!" squeaked Elizabeth upon seeing his face.

Will snorted and rolled his eyes, continuing to tug vainly at Elizabeth's wrist. He chose to ignore the fact that he was pulling with all his might and she didn't seem to notice.

"It is now time for me to leave, for it is my duty to save other civilians from the evils that lurk in dark alleys," said the spandex-spider-fellow, placing his hands on his waist and puffing up his chest. "Farewell, my friends!"

With that, he wiggled his hands and shot off into the sky on another rope of gray goo. As the figure disappeared into the distance, Will could've sworn he heard a faint yell…  
_  
"My movie did better in the box office than yourssssss!"_

Will fought the urge to cry.


End file.
